10 Reasons Why High Achievers Would Benefit From Therapy

The good-looking man in his early 40s with green/blue eyes and toned body wore a grey Hugo Boss suit. He sat slumped on a leather chair in the glass walled office. An older man in his 60s stood over him gesticulating forcefully, speaking fast and loud. The younger man kept his eyes focussed on the speaker, nodding from time to time to signal he was listening and engaged. 

However in his mind’s eye he was seeing himself lying in bed depressed with the covers pulled over his head for the best part of  6 months. He felt rising panic that this incident would trigger the same. That night he started looking for a therapist.

Let’s call him Nick (and I’m going to change details about him and his situation to anonymise him).  He’s the national managing director of a  big pharma company.  His employees like him, he’ss fair and caring. 

He has a loving wife and two young kids. He’s well-looked on by his superiors. Life should be good. But he experiences regular anxiety attacks and low-mood which make him feel helpless and like a fraud. Being a high-achiever, he’s committed to the sessions. And so the therapeutic journey begins.

I’m going to describe his therapy journey as a high achiever and of course everyone’ s journey is individual. Cambridge dictionary defines a ‘high achiever’ as a person who achieves more than the average person in their work. I would open out this definition to anyone who aims high and achieves a lot be it as a sportsperson, parent or employee.

1. To Soften the Critical Voice & Have More Self-Compassion

The first hurdle we tackled on the journey was a writhing large and powerful green snake called his critical voice. This critical part said things like: “Your sales figures were ok but you could’ve done better”. Or, “you should’ve been braver when asserting yourself to your boss”. 

That was the snake when it was being civil. When it was under attack or rattled, it said stuff like, “look at you, you’re getting old and fat”, or, “you’re just fooling everyone that you’re up to the job”. This snake-like critical part left Nick feeling anxious and low. He could not celebrate his achievements or fully enjoy his present life. 

I supported him to get to know this part. As he talked to it he found it originated from his father. His father was very self-critical and critical of Nick. This part had developed to keep Nick in check as a boy to try and get his father’s approval. 

The critical voice’s end goal is to help Nick, not hinder him. When Nick realised this he was able to appreciate the critical part but also let it know he was an adult now and wasn’t dependent on his father’s love in the same way. 

As a child, our nervous system goes into life or death, fight of flight mode if it senses our parents are moving away from us. We’ll do anything we can to stop this happening as our nervous system equates distance with death (think of a lion cub on the savannah without its parent lion. It’d be dead meat within minutes without their protection). 

Nick’s critical voice developed to try and ensure he was so perfect that his dad would never criticise him and withdraw his affection. Of course this didn’t work as Nick’s dad didn’t have any control  over or awareness of his critical voice. This didn’t stop Nick’s critical voice from trying and trying. 

As we sat on the dirt road, Nick soothed his critical snake part, reassuring it that he was no longer dependent on his father or anyone else for his survival. He could get criticised and survive. Indeed he did get criticised and survived time and time again. 

The critical snake part settled down to sleep in its basket. He asked only to be brought along in the journey in case he ever could be of service to protect. Nick agreed. 

Nick and I then turned our attention to the young boy part who was revealed after conversing with the critical snake. 

2. To Regulate Emotions Better

This young boy part often felt anxious, scared and unsafe due to his critical and angry father. His mother loved her son dearly and was very present for him in a practical way. However she didn’t stick up for him  and she dismissed his fears and anxieties, implying he just needed to get over them.

This anxious little boy part regularly got triggered in Nick’s adult life. As soon as it seemed that his boss or one of his employee’s was cross with him, he felt overwhelming anxiety that was disproportionate to the situation. 

The same if his wife was ever annoyed with him. He would find this so unbearable that he’d do anything to placate the other. He recognised that he was often sacrificing his needs and wants because he was so desparate to be liked.

Many times on the road of the therapy journey I invited Nick to soothe his young anxious boy part. He did this by learning deep breathing techniques. He also took up mindfulness and practiced meditation daily.  Other times he located the anxious part in his body and gently caressed that part of his body whilst saying to it, “you’re safe now, I’m here”. 

We also did attachment-informed EMDR where I facilitated Nick to revisit the feelings of the scared little boy with bi-lateral stimulation. After processing the feelings he imagined the boy being soothed and we installed a new positive belief that he was safe and in control.

3.To Avoid Stress & Burn-Out

As we continued along the winding road of our therapy journey, Nick started to feel more hopeful and less anxious. He had increasing awareness of himself and possessed tools to feel more at peace. 

He could see the rolling hllls covered in forest in the distant and he could sniff what was on the other side of those hills which was the sea. The sea represented freedom to him. Freedom from anxieties and low mood.

He started to push for more results to get there as fast as possible. As a therapist, I felt a pressure to ‘deliver’ for him. As a relational therapist that considers my feelings in the session as relevant to the client’s process, I shared this with him. He replied that he often felt put under pressure by this part. 

The pushy part is similar  to the critical snake part. It pushes Nick to do more and more, to climb higher and higher up the corporate ladder. At the weekend it pushes Nick to be a super dad and take the kids for activities and regular day trips with long drives. He rarely has time just for himself or to do things that just he wants to do.

This pushy part was a lumbering giant. As with the critical snake I invited Nick to befriend it. At first he was scared and could hardly bare to talk to the giant, so afraid was he of how the giant would berate him. 

After a while the giant revealed that he’d developed for Nick to feel worthy. Nick had been regularly bullied by his sibling during his childhood. He sibling had been mean and vindictive, doing his best to quash Nick. 

Nick was good at sport and realised this was a way to excel and do better than his sibing and gain praise and attention from his parents. So the pushy giant pushed and pushed Nick on to train harder, run faster, and aim higher and higher in terms of medals and competitive events.

When Nick got his first job, the giant simply transferred to pushing him along in that sphere of his life instead. He worked a crazy amount of hours and got promoted through the ranks until he found himself the national managing director. He was also a super-committed husband and father. 

As with the critical snake, Nick felt compassion and understanding when he realised the pushy giant was simply trying to make him worthy of love. He had many conversations with the giant over the course of the therapy where he thanked him and pointed out that he was worthy, even if he didn’t always do everying to 125%.

Nick experimented wtih doing less. He set a boundary around his work hours. He claimed some time for himself at the weekends. He even scheduled a few weekend trips just for him. 

It felt odd and somehow ‘wrong’. It would take time to re-wire his brain so that this way of being felt natural but he kept going and it got easier.

4. To Be Less Demanding of Others

Nick noticed that as the pushy giant calmed down, he was also more patient with his kids. By giving himself a ‘break’ he was calmer and more patient with them. He was more tolerant of his kids. 

When one of his children came home with a difficult school report, he discussed it calmly with his child and wife. He was able to give his child the sense that he loved and accepted them, no matter how they did at school. He let them know their worth was not dependent on their achievments and thus avoided passing down his trauma.

5. To Have a Sense of Identity Separate to their Achievements

Spending time with the giant in the green foothills, the unworthy boy part that the giant was concealing, came out from behind the pine trees. He looked down at the ground a lot, his shoulders were hunched, he was scowling and full of shame. His face muddied and wearing rags. 

When I asked Nick how he felt towards this part, he admitted that he didn’t like him. There was work to do. Again, I invited him to find out more about his part. 

It had developed in response to dad’s criticism, his sibling’s bullying and his mother’s lack of standing up for him. This little unworthy part had done something that made perfect sense from the point of a young child’s nervous system. It had decided to make itself ‘the problem’. It thought that by doing so, it would gain the consistent love and acceptance of its family members. 

Tragically this never works as the little one cannot control an unaware parent who keeps on behaving the same, no matter how ‘good’ the little one tries to make themselves. Heroically it keeps on trying though, taking on the belief that is is unworthy more and more. 

When adult Nick finds a job he can do well, the little part ties itself to the job. It feels better because it’s performing well. This is how Nick and other high achievers link their entire sense of identity and worth to doing extremely well professionally or in whatever area of life they are achieving highly. 

The problem arises when, for whatever reason, the mast they have tied their worth to blows over. For example they get made redundant or they get a physical injury and can no longer compete in professional sports. Or their children leave home for university and their parent identity loosens. 

It took a lot of time hanging out with this unworthy little boy in the foothills of the therapy journey. We did a lot of EMDR to process his shame, fear of rejection and grief.

6. To be Less of a Perfectionist

I also invited Nick to come up with experiments to challenge his perfectionism. The experiments were meant to take him out of his comfort zone and ‘test’ what happens if he does something in an ‘average’ way rather than in a perfect way. 

This perfectionistic part which was a wicked witch living in the forest covering the hills was trying to protect Nick from the shame of unworthiness. She wore him out and stressed him out. She made him spend countless additional hours on a project than necessary.

It was difficult for Nick to decide to park a project till tomorrow or to not reply to an email right away. It felt odd to tell his wife he was leaving the dishes till tomorrow morning.

It felt awkward and uncomfortable to tell his employee he didn’t know the answer to his question and would have to get back to him. But he did and each time the wicked witch diminished a little in size.

7. To Have a Better Work/Life Balance

Nick was making good headway by now. He’d reached the top of the hills and could see the ocean below. He was feeling more relaxed as he wasn’t pushing himself so hard. He’d carved out more ‘me’ time and was feeling more in control. 

He was starting to do more activities he liked for example taking up the piano. He was doing this just for fun. Embracing not being very good at it but enjoying it anyway helped his self-worth. His life felt more balanced between work and fun.

8. To Have Better Relationships

Just as he started making his way down towards the sea, a thunder storm struck. The sea was hidden behind a looming mist. He realised that he wasn’t feeling fulfilled in his relationship.

It was functioning very well but there was a lack of emotional intimacy. Now that he was starting to connect with his true needs and wants and to create more of a work/life balance, he wanted more fulfillment in his relationship. 

He plucked up the courage to talk to his wife. At first she was defensive. She had her own ‘stuff’ to work on and the current arrangement suited her quite well as she didn’t have to get emotionally ‘naked’ with him. It had suited him too, especially as naked equalled revealing his sense of unworthiness, insecurity and fear of rejection.

Nick didn’t give up and kept trying to talk to his wife in a non-blaming way. He repeatedly took the risk of speakning of his vulnerable feelings. 

Eventually his wife responded by sharing more of her vulnerable feelings and the relationship gained a new depth. Both of them felt more fulfilled.

He also shared more vulnerable feelings with his kids. For example feeling powerless when his kid acted up at school They in turn trusted him with their anxieties. They felt more connected as a result. 

9. To Connect with what Truly Makes Us Happy

Nick was now feeling a lot more connected to his wife and kids. In the therapy journey he started running downhill towards the sea. It glimmered in the sunshine. But when he reached it he felt disappointed. Is this really what he wanted?

In therapy Nick questioned if he could be happy in a job which he had only chosen to please his parents. He was aware of his creative parts, adventurous parts and sporty parts. Maybe he needed to quit his job and do something radically different? 

Would he ever be truly happy if he continued to sacrifice his own needs and wants first for his parents and now for his wife and kids? But how would he sustain his family if he quit his job?

This is a common question as we really explore our high-achieving behaviours. Who are we achieving for? Does it really make us happy and set our soul on fire? Or are we merely treading this path because of our childhood conditioning?

Nick came to the conclusion that having a good life with a good enough job in it was more important that trying to re-design his whole career from scratch at the age of 45.  

As he stood at the waters edge of the ocean, we reflected on his therapy journey and his encounters with the critical snake, the pushy Giant, the perfectionistic witch, the anxious boy and the unworthy boy. 

He felt proud of how far he’d come. He saw a yacht floating out at sea and had an idea. He could enjoy the sea by making trips in his yacht with his family but then come back to land. That way he could have the best of both worlds. 

Nick spoke to his employer and wife about the idea of him taking a year-long sabbatical from his work where the family would travel the world. His wife was on board and after negotiation, his employer was too. 

It felt scary but exciting. It was Nick’s way to have the best of both worlds. To live a life that is more congruent to his true needs.

10. To Design a New Life

On the other hand, you who is not Nick might decide, ‘you know what, my current job isn’t for me’ and take the plunge. With my life design coach skills I then support you to gently figure out what a re-designed life could look like. 

I talk about this more here. We use design tools to gain more understanding about your current situation. You evaluate what specifically and concretely is working and not working. You then experiment with making adjustments, talking to people and trying stuff out. We view life designing as a continuous imperfect creative process. That makes it easier for your high achiever part to relax and just enjoy the creative ride.